Life and Lemons

anyone who’s enjoying the turtle-like crawl along commonwealth avenue these past few days, hands up please, and you are free to comdemn me. i’ve been trying really really hard to be sympathetic about their mourning process, but it’s not so easy when you’re trying to get home after two foiled attempts at watching kimmydora (superduper, you must be embarrassed at how jologs i’m becoming. i am so sorry. it’s these people around me. blackmailers i tell you!!), and it’s eleven o’clock on a friday night and it’s raining. i got home, alone and dead and wet, past one in the morning, and that’s a record i’m not aching to break anytime soon.

anyway, i’ll be glad once they stop making commonwealth avenue a three-lane parking lot. i can walk faster than the cars ambling there can move, and that is not even an exaggeration.

on a happier note, i’ve finished the last quarter of chamber of secrets and the entire of prosoner of azkaban yesterday. so it really was a very productive sunday, although i am stuck at home and i miss trinoma. i just have to say that although this is hardly news, prisoner of azkaban is my faaavvvoritesst of the series, and i have huge crushes on sirius and lupin, who in my head are hot brooding manly men with sturdy wands. quite unlike the older, more sensible-looking actors who portray them in the movies (no offense to Mr Oldman, who is still very great). i quite regret that i never had a teacher like lupin, to whom i could have had a massive though superficial crush on. it would have made school a much more exciting experience.

i’m on to the goblet of fire, and cedric diggory’s just came up (vivid robert pattinson image coming through). i’m sinking back under the covers. =)

I am so neglecting this fire exit. Look at all cobwebs and that dust carpet. Uggh. But I’m so tired. Cant. Update. Properly.

Days have been confusingly sluggish and disorganized as of late. As in really, with no apparent course and/or plan. Nothing. I’m not sure if it’s my lack of discipline or of a soundly churning brain. Either way, at least one banana is missing from the bunch.

Anyway. One thing I’m sure of is that I hate the union. I think it’s their fault, for their inability to understand the complicated cash flow restraints of a giant conservative company. For their lack of the urge to please please give up the damn ‘negotiations’ and just sign the demner agreement already. For their continuing whispered threats of a strike. Management is so wound up about the possibility of its employees taking arms and—no, Lord anything but that!—leaving their branches ill-equipped and under-manned to service their oh-so-not-understanding clients, that they have put my application for transfer underneath the slush pile. Way below everything else, right at the spot where the pile touches the grimy floor.

My metaphors don’t even make sense anymore. That’s how depressed I can make myself when I think about this. After that frighteningly euphoric high of making a career change, all comes to a standstill, and nobody even has the courtesy to send me an email. I was so looking forward to not counting other people’s money, and reporting to my boss who doesn’t like to listen much (unless I am transparently pissed off), and manning those express banking centers on weekends. And now I don’t even know if the guys in that department who were meant to save me from branch hell remember me. Please please please take me with you!! Gah. Okay, I’m so not begging. I’m usually more rational, most specially on the surface. The union will be crushed and management will go on its merry way making the bank more money (haha, is that a pun?? Hmm. Maybe not). And then I can start bugging them again about the transfer. Because the thing is, I realized, I am so sure, that I want to study whilst working. (I don’t want to be poor again, see) And to do that, I have to get out of branch hell. So come hell (I may have used this word too much in this post) or high water, I will be transferred. Or it really is resign. (Nooooo….. everywhere else is already at freeze-hire!!)

I said I was too tired didn’t I? well. Carry on then.

This is highly unoriginal, but I just reread HP6 and HP7. And I think I cried more this time with the last book than the first time I read it. Maybe because I was frozen with tension that first time. I was so scared Harry will die, it was unbearable. Now I knew that he’s so surviving and will have three children with the weirdest names ever, so the tears came hot and fat. This is embarrassing. Why am I even writing about this? Oh. I’m rereading from book one. But I’m going back to New Moon first. And I’ll probably reread P&P again. (Mr Darcy, swooonnn…). I’m in one of my revisiting stages. I’m sure someone out there understands the symptoms.

Okay, really feeling the weight of a brutal day’s work and old age now. Checking out. One two.

These changes, aint changing me. The cold-hearted boy I used to be.

I realized I take weekends seriously. In their common context of R&R, I mean. I take a break from thinking too.

Last Friday I went through two interviews. And it seems (unless I am bleedingly wrong) that they liked me. There might have been talk about speeding up my transferring to their department, but I was more certain about that last Friday than I am now. I may have blocked out that part of the conversation. On my way back to the branch I wanted to walk around in larger, wider circles. The one-block walk was not enough, and the strong wind made for a great emo walk. My head was spinning to say the least. Overlwhelmed. Yeah, that sounds about right.

When I got back it was to the familiar blur and activity of the branch. And in that short hour I was gone I felt like I’ve missed it. I missed doing this routine that I knew how to do. I missed being around these people who I genuinely like. I missed my new pretty table. But there it was, never to be shaken, that feeling of discontent. I hate climbing the armoured car. And I hate the stink of money. I hate troubleshooting for people who didn’t care enough to avoid their mistakes. I hate…aaahh, this will be a long list.

Uggh. Am I even old enough to make these decisions? Can I even choose my career path now? What if I make another mistake??

I had an epiphany then: I am adverse to change. But that didn’t help very much. Change for the sake of change alone is not a good well to dive into. So I’m trying to steer clear of that trap. God, can you give me a sign please? I know that’s a total cop out. But I’d beg for one if you need me to. Everyone’s blindingly supportive, it’s crazy. But the decision has to be organic, right?

Thus the protest from thinking until further notice.

Thank the DVD pirates for CSI NY. I marathoned what’s left of season 5, my 1000-word article on Melbourne Cup history be damned. I needed to be happy. I need man-candy. And there Danny Messer was.

Now, if you say ‘marriage’, I still say ‘ew’. You say babies and I will make my gross-out face. But the Danny-Lindsay ship, I want on board that too! Not the knocked up part and the fling with the mother of the kid that was killed when guy was in the line of duty (I still don’t forgive you for that, Danny). I want all the comic-book reading, pregnant belly-kissing, baby-name fussing, hold-it-in-I-don’t-want-to-miss-this panic, no-man-but-me-is-getting-near-my-baby-though-she-is-still-an-infant craziness. And they hold hands and kiss now. No more of that building tension that drives me crazy (although that will admittedly be missed).

That was the best season eevvveerr. I can’t wait for season 6. Don’t they dare kill anyone else off again. I’m reading stuff that Danny will be in a wheelchair and he had to have a hot physical therapist, but no please don’t! I don’t think he’s changed enough to be allowed near another hot-blooded female again. Come on, writers!

Anyway. I guess I have bigger problems. September 23 is still 10 years away, we haven’t figured out how to download full episodes (and we have tried, we really did). Oh, and yes, that work crisis I’m having.

I refuse to think! I’m going back to Hogwarts. Creepy young Tom Riddle is less frightening than adulthood.

“bless your body bless your soul reel me in and cut my throat”

I have  to write about football again for submission today (1000 words re tips on football betting, wherest shalt I find thoust??), so I guess this will be the warm up/excuse to not Google punter tips just yet because it is very hard to pretend to care about them.

vanillablahblah hasn’t posted in a while yet, and I so want an upcat update. But I don’t really want to pressure her, because I remember the feeling after I finally took and got over upcat. It felt like jelly. Don’t say it didn’t. The limbs, all common sense, the brain, oh yes, pure unadulterated jelly. It’s like you’ve been holding in all the stress and rigor and vigour for that one destiny-defining day, and you’ve pulled yourself in so tightly, wound youself up in the most complicated of knots, that when that traffic-pestered day in the country’s premier university (quote-unquote, for you skeptics) comes and goes, you just want to sink into a chair for a long long time. No brain activity for a  while, please. ‘Brain not functioning’ sign is up. So I really don’t blame her for not updating or not visiting. Just in case she is reading, though, be warned: jelly state is not sustainable. You still have finals, dear. Enjoy it while you can =)

Sorry. Just had to put him in.

I’m running through the things I want to do today, on this great mid-week holiday, and it all ended up with me getting a bit depressed. It’s quite a long list, you see, and I keep forgetting that one day adds up to only 24 hours, and you still have to spend a reasonable fraction of that sleeping and eating…

I want to continue reading HP6, and finish Airhead (sorry, I haven’t finished it yet!!! How are you doing with Ransom my Heart, anyway?). I want to update document5, which I haven’t in a while. I miss spending time with my fabulous, hot new rock stars! hihi. And continue revising document1 (omg, what about my queries, and the synopsis? gah.). And I wanna have a csi NY season5 marathon. I finally got around to getting the DVD last saturday. Voyage to Circle C and Cherry was succesful, although it was through taxi and through quite a vigorous storm. I forgot it floods there. Hehe.

AND, I was given this new assignment, which I have to turn in today, omgee. I still don’t know anything about football, now I have to give tips on football betting. If this article gets approved (which I hope it does, since I need the money), people will actually put down their cash based on my advise. Gah. Even before I begin my article, I already apologize for the poor souls. Kindly do further online research rather than consult only me okay? Thanks.

Another very important image commercial.=) I can’t keep hating Keira Knightley after P&P and Atonement, I just can’t.

My life is moving in very loose circles right now. Sometimes I feel like it’s flying about with no apparent direction. I know I have a lot of time in my hands right now, but the day ends and I wonder where the hell did it run off to? I guess I’ve been doing quite a lot. Just when I thought I had a solid life plan mapped out, all these things hit me pell mell and I can’t really ignore them. Nor do I want to. Just when work has become a comfortable routine, I’ve been given an opportunity to make it not so. And I am so afraid I will fail, but I will brave a try or two. I owe it to myself, I think, and to these ridiculous people who all believe in me. Thank God for you, I don’t know how I’m lucky enough to keep you lot.

And just when I’ve decided to take on queries, etc., I stumbled into this (paying, albeit still small) freelance gig that I’m pretty sure I’m still not good at and which requires me to write about sports (gah). But I haven’t had any criticism of any sort on my writing, and now that I’m getting it my head may have gotten quite big regarding my supposed skills. It’s refreshing, getting feedback from someone who is very honest about it. He really doesn’t care if it gives me an ‘ouch’, which it does, given my previously sequestered ego. But you learn when people help point out your mistakes, right? I’m quite enjoying it. As for document1 and 5, I have not forgotten you, and still think of you both often. Once I get the hang of this, I will come back for you…

And I’m turning into quite a tag-along. Yesterday, there was a slew of IMs inviting to a dinner for that night, which I of course answered with an instant, sure, I’m game. We met and ate and left Makati at 1130pm and ventured into a stormy night with me having no idea how the hell I am to get my ass home. I’ve been doing that a lot. And it’s fun although quite draining on the energy levels and cash levels. haha. It’s great to hang out with different sets of people. I realized that hmm, look at that, I have a good number of friends, don’t I? The support system is tremendous. The bonding is great. I’m loving all the gossip and the embarrassing stories, even if I am forced to tell my own. And the sense of humour is silly, frank, no-walls-up, no-holds-barred and plainly ridiculous, but apparently, it’s just to my taste. Also, Meet the Spartans is on TV when we were finishing dinner last night, so that helped a lot with the production of the raucous laughter.

(New Moon come November. There’s no backing out this time.)

My post title doesn’t really fit, but I just really want to recognize the day and say thank you for all the heroic things and also for the non-working holiday.

I’m not used to this free-flowing chaos. I need to get my life organized. But not yet. I was never the go-with-the-flow type of girl, but I’m going to give it a try now.